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Dear guy in front of my in line at Souplantation;

You are not Matisse. No matter how carefully you arrange every speck and molecule of your salad, it will not be art. In fact, it will just be a salad, that you eat, with a fork. If you absolutely insist on imagining yourself as some great artiste of the salady arts, can't you just go all Jackson Pollack and throw that shit on your plate with brio? FAST, careless, brio?

You've been arranging shreds of carrots for a while now. I want to just get my damn salad, get my damn soup, and throw it down my neck. I don't have time to wait for your fucked-up combination of OCD and culinary spectacle.

Get out of my way, stupid fussy salad guy.
Yours etc;
David V. Krieger
SGT, U.S. Army (RET)

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Dec. 17th, 2010 03:33 am (UTC)
Dear Asshat,

You are in line at a salad bar. You are not a Terribly Important Person. That you want to throw some food down your neck is understandable and is perfectly reasonable. However, you unfortunately have to deal with people who have odd compulsions with respect to salad construction. Consider that others likely have to deal with your arbitrary and globally irrelevant compulsions and preferences.

You are a silly, irrelevant and impotent jackass. Just wait for a few seconds, Impatient Salad Twat.

Yours,

Dan Walters,

FYS, NR
aghrivaine
Dec. 17th, 2010 03:38 am (UTC)
Dear Dan Walters;

I see what you're saying. However, it seems like I am a Terribly Important Person, since you've been scouring the internet, looking for open letters from me. No one made you deal with my arbitrary and globally irrelevant compulsion and preferences - you sought them out.

So you must be right on some level - I am silly and irrelevant, this is widely held to be true. But I appear to be highly relevant to YOU, and that...well, it's kind of at least as sad as trying to make a perfect salad masterpiece.

Yours etc;
David V. Krieger
SGT, U.S. Army (RET)
(Anonymous)
Dec. 17th, 2010 07:45 pm (UTC)
I thought it was funny.
Uh, who is that scary guy posting his hate on your blog, Davy? I thought your salad bar entry was funny.

Love,
Alison
aghrivaine
Dec. 17th, 2010 07:47 pm (UTC)
Re: I thought it was funny.
I dunno, but he's in Portland, according to my stats tracker. I kinda thought it might actually be you, having a larf.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 17th, 2010 07:51 pm (UTC)
Re: I thought it was funny.
NO! I don't use words like "ass hat." Mostly because I'm not sure exactly what that means.

-- Alison
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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