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World of Poo

Wednesday. The dog's been home alone longer than he normally is since pyr8queen went up to her parent's house. Hope he's ok. Hope he didn't do anything weird. How much does she end up quietly cleaning up after him and not telling me about, anyway? Not much, I'm sure, she'd tell me all about it. Home. Dog scrabbles at window. Howls when I come in the door, ears back. Uh oh, I see an open cabinet. Dog must have been...oh criminey! What is that, dirt? There's a pile of dirt in the kitchen...oh, my god. The living room! Piles of black dirt, torn up bag on the floor...crikey, it's covering the rug, too. He scattered it everywhere!

Scold the dog. He goes and hides in the corner, cowering. He knows he's been bad. Kick the dog outside while I clean this up. Where the hell is the vaccuum, anyway? Oh my god this dog! Wow look, he chewed one of her sandals, too. Man, he does NOT like changes in schedules! What is this stuff.. "blood meal"? Heavens to Murgatroid, what the hell is that? Oh my god, it's congealed blood, not dirt. This is disgusting. Man, I need a beer. Beer is good, going to start up Final Fantasy XII again, maybe it's not so bad. Yeah, it's not good. Screw it, this is too frustrating. More beer, and Star Trek Online!

Wed Night. Dog seems moopy. He knows he's been bad. Going to bed. He's curled up smack in the middle, and refuses to budge. Farting. Oh, the farting! This dog is made of farts. Shove him over. Hey, the cat is on the bed, too. First time she's been willing to get up on the bed with the dog around. She likes the farts maybe? Weird cat. Sleep.

Early in the morning, dog wakes up and yips next to the door. "Need to go out, boy? Okay, Bubba." Let dog out. Fall asleep again, head heavy. Stupid beer. Dog is barking. Will not be able to sleep with dog barking right outside window. Time is....6AM. Let dog in, go back to sleep. Dog curls up on bed. Dog gets up and wanders around house. Goes back to sleep.

Wake up later. Bleary. Take dog for walk. House smells like dog farts. How does he fart so much? I swear he puts out more energy than he takes in. Dog is walked. Leave him outside while I get ready for work. Forgot to brush teeth. Brush teeth, lights off, whatever, flicking switches is work. Out to kitchen, forgot to feed dog. Put food in dog bowl, fill water bowl. Dog farts! How does he do that he's not even in the house. Must not have good ventilation. Fiddle with window...still smell dog farts. Uh oh. Look down.

Oh my god, there's black stuff on my shoe it's not...oh god, it is! Dog poo, on my shoe. Oh my god...black, stinking, viscuous poo. It's...yep, footprints right out the kitchen. Oh no. Oh no. Oh by Hawkin's chair, no! Please tell me he pooed in the kitchen and I just...oh no. Oh no. Trail of black, stinking footprints leading back out of kitchen. Into dining room. Into study..through hallway...and in the bathroom. Yep, polite dog craps in the bathroom when he craps indoors. And now it's ground into the carpet, tiles, hardwood, thanks to stupid me stepping in it and not realizing.

Oh my god. How the hell am I even going to clean this? Maybe I should just leave. Disappear, A-Team style. Or I could move. Burn the place down? Crikey, this is going to take hours to clean, there's no way I'm going to make it to work on time. This is going to suck. Oh my god, this frickin' dog. He ate fertilizer, and crapped out nasty, black, horrible blood-meal poo and I tracked it all over the floor. Why the hell do we even HAVE congealed animal blood in a dog-reachable cupboard? I can't deal with this. What can I start the fire with?

I can't even start to deal with this until I've had some coffee. So yep, I'm going to stand here in my stocking feet on a floor covered in congealed-blood-poo, brewing coffee.

My life is a world of poo.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 9th, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC)
oh. dear.
do you have a small cleaning machine, like a Bissel 'green clean' machine? I firmly believe that every person with a dog or cat or small child needs one. It can extract liquids and solids in carpeting and upholstery, lay down various potions to treat specific sorts of 'stains' and odors and then extract the cleaning fluids so the item will dry quickly. Sometimes I've used it with straight enzyme cleaners to really deep clean with appropriate solutions badly urine/feces soiled areas. They cost less than $100 and take up very little space. I keep mine under the sink in the laundry room. Quick setup and tear-down, like a vac, not too much hassle to use when you just discover there's poo tracked all over carpets and you gotta get to work.

Your doggy is farting a lot? Is this unusual? Have you changed his foods recently? Some foods tend to create doggy farts more than others, and a food that works on one dog to reduce emissions may not be good for another. Some dogs are very sensitive to changes in food, even water. One breeder I knew would carry jugs of the 'home' water and add in the local water when traveling with her Great Danes, slowly over several days to reduce the possibility of the dogs having diarrhea.

Ah, the joys of animal companionship. Hope it's only a bit of nervousness and stress and he settles soon.
Apr. 9th, 2010 09:24 pm (UTC)
Re: oh. dear.
I suspect his newfound role as the canine West Wind stems from the gut-load of rotted blood he ingested. Why that stuff exists, and why it's under my sink I don't know..but I'm not much surprised it would have put Blink off his feed.
Apr. 10th, 2010 12:06 am (UTC)
Re: oh. dear.
Parris! I love my Bissel Green Clean thingy! One of the better investments I've made. It also works well cleaning car upholstery when my kids have the back seat looking vaguely like a frat house- except instead of beer cans, it's empty juice boxes.

Davy- you can rent a steam cleaner at the grocery store, too, if the carpet needs a little more help.
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 9th, 2010 11:06 pm (UTC)
I would have been really happy if i could have cleaned up with a baby wipe. As it is, I needed three sticks of dynamite, an air-tight clean suit from the CDC, and a 50 gallon drum of sulfuric acid.
Apr. 9th, 2010 11:11 pm (UTC)
Oy, dogs -_-

I'm lucky Jola has never pooed in the house. Maze has to date been a considerate jerk cat and only goes in the bathtub if not where he is supposed to.
Apr. 10th, 2010 12:08 am (UTC)
I'm very interested in getting a small portable machine like that. We have a large upright vacuum and a stupid broken hand vacuum. The carpet is still stained. Luckily we only have carpet in one room.

The dog normally doesn't fart THAT much, unless we give him lots of scraps. It was entirely from ingesting the blood meal, I'm sure.

Blink has only pooed in the house 3 times perhaps, and it has pretty much always been in the bathroom. How he knows, I have no idea.
Apr. 10th, 2010 12:09 am (UTC)
He's a polite dog. Except with the farting.
Apr. 10th, 2010 12:54 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure this is a funniest post I've read in a week. Thanks for that.

P.s. My condolences on the blood-poo.

P.p.s. Typing "blood-poo" is really funny.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


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