Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

An island

I don't like to be thought poorly of. Not even, if I am honest, by people who I don't like. Part of it is, I hope, an honest effort on my part to better myself, and I recognize that the people arpound me hold up the most readily accessible mirror through which I can measure myself. But also, if I am being more honest, because I am insecure - sometimes a little and sometimes a lot; particularly when someone whom I love or value treats me poorly. I fear that I deserve it.

Perversely, this means that I am least guarded and speak most freely - and thus sometimes insensitively - to the people with whom I feel most secure. Sometimes I may seem brusque, or sarcastic, or even arrogant - but is never ever with that intent. Because you see, I am far too insecure ( or, generously, trying to be a good man ) to ever treat someone I value poorly.

Even with people I dislike or resent or am just angry with, I am carefully neutral. I don't want to, or mean to, anger them. Because, you see, I am too insecure to stand it if they reciprocate. I would rather have cordiality than anger. A rare few times this has not been true. No one who is reading this is one of the people whose scorn I have invited.

If I've ever treated you poorly or hurt your feelings, chances are very high I didn't mean it, and would gladly make amends. If you've ever treated me poorly or hurt my feelings, chances are very good it bothered me a lot more than I let on.

I am not an island, and wouldn't want to be.

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