Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

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TSA Warnings

I heard these announcements at the airport last weekend.

  • If asked by TSA agents to step aside for additional screening, please do not disrobe until asked.

  • TSA personnel may put an angry wolverine in your pockets to aid in security checks. Make no sudden movements and do NOT feed the wolvering sausages.

  • While in the airport, TSA personnel may frighten you with android ninjas.

  • For security purposes, TSA personnel may require you to take the Pepsi Challenge. Do not fail.

  • Before boarding the plane, TSA agents may administer patriotism tests. During the patriotism test, do not exhale through your mouth, it angers the bees.

  • Thank you for your cooperation in security searches. Your personal effects will be sent to your next of kin.

  • Additional security checks may be necessary during elevated terrorist threat periods or on days that end in "-day".

  • Your privacy is of great concern to the TSA. No more than sixteen screeners will be present for your body cavity search. And film crews.

  • Passengers with telepathic powers will be subject to additional security searches. Passengers without telepathic powers will be shot. What am I thinking?

  • In order to provide greater security during travel, wild dogs roam Terminal A.

  • Please cooperate with TSA agents. Do not look at, talk to, think about, or smell TSA agents.

  • TSA agents may give you a treasure map. Do not let Captain Flint acquire the treasure map.

  • Please do not use the words "bomb" or "explosives" out loud. Do not think the words "bomb" or "explosives" or TSA psychics will arrest you. "Bomb". "Explosives". You're not thinking them are you?

  • TSA robots will not go berserk and kill hundreds. In the event that TSA robots go berserk and kill hundreds, your cooperation is appreciated.

  • Run as fast as you can, the TSA can't catch the ginberbread man.

  • TSA screenings may include magical spells or voodoo. Please do not attempt to resist.

  • Non-citizens from Latvia, Tuvalu, or Lichtenstein may not travel with luggage.

  • Travellers from the future will not be permited to board without additoinal screening. Travellers who are dressed futuristically count as travellers from the future.

  • Non-Citizens who are wearing purple clothing will be subject to additoinal TSA assassinations.

  • Excessive smiling may require TSA investigation.

  • In the event you are cleared by TSA agents, there will be a party with cake. The cake is not a lie.

  • Resistance is futile. Thank you for your cooperation.

  • TSA agents disguised as mimes are stationed throughout the airport for your convenience.

  • For your security, the TSA's milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard.

  • In order to facilitate your security, the Constitution has been PWNED!

  • The TSA requests that you remove your shoes at the turnstile. Except for you sir, for the love of god, leave them on.

  • TSA agents have not been authorized a sense of humor. No, just kidding.


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