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Things I irrationally hate

Walking around with pyr8queen this weekend, I got in touch with my inner curmudgeon. And I realized, there are things that I hate for no good reason - though not without reasons that are completely arbitrary and random.

Renn Faire Pickle Sellers. I hate these bastards. I hate the way they make a ceaseless stream of pickle-based phallus jokes. I hate their snide tone, and presumption that because they're wearing tights and pointy-shoes, they can say punch-in-the-nuts-worthy insults. I hate their asinine hard-sell tactics...all for goddamn pickle. A pickle! On a stick! Never in my life have I ever been walking around somewhere hot and dusty (or cold and rainy) and thought to myself, "damn, I want a pickle." The size of the pickle is not relevant, nor is its firmness, nor its comparison to my member - it will not satisfy a lady, nor will it satisfy me. Fuck off and die, Renn Faire Pickle Seller!

Hummingbirds. Hate 'em! I hate that machine-like little noise they make that can't really be described as chirping or birdsong. I hate the way they hover in the air and buzz at me when I'm on the balcony -which out of the corner of my eye, seems like a gigantic freakin' bug. Piss off, you little bug-seeming bastards! Stupid hummingbirds.

DJ's - Man I hate DJ's. I hate how all their gear comes in metal boxes with black sides, like it's so freakin' special it has to have it's own freakin' aesthetic. Like any freakin' card table wouldn't do to hold up your precious gear, Mr. DJ - no, you've gotta have your special table, your special box of records - and probably stupid horn-rimmed glassed and an ironic hipster t-shirt. And don't get me started on those stupid two-light headbands they wear so they can see what they're doing, standing off in their special corner behind their special little table, doing an unfunky little dance while they gloat about how awesome they are, and how sublime and superior they imagine their taste in music to be. Stupid DJ's!

American Apparel: I don't care that it was made in downtown LA - every single thing you make is ugly. It's all paper-thin, stupid-looking, and something even the 70's, an aesthetically deprived decade if ever there was one, would reject as incredibly gross. Primary colors, skinny fit and way too thin... if it looks like something from a roller-derby themed porn movie, it's probably from American Apparel.

Extra low-cut V-neck shirts. Nothing says "I am a douchebag" like wearing your underwear as outerwear, and that redone to be extra, extra douchey. The only upside - people who wear them will have tan lines that are so risible as to immediately disqualify them from ever managing to get naked with a living human girl. What's worse - one of these douchebag specials with a hairy chest, or with a tweezed and waxed shaved chest?

Gnats. Does this really need explanation? There's a poem by, I think, William Carlos Williams about midges, but I can't find it. It might be Wallace Stevens. Anyway, it's about how midges really suck. And they do!

And there you are. Things for which I have irrational irritation. How about you?


( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 2nd, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
ummmm... curmudgeons? *ducks*
just kidding... I love curmudgeons. At least, ones that come in Davy-shaped packages (and by package, I do not mean pickle. nor hummingbird. ok, just nevermind. I've gone overboard.)
Oct. 2nd, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
Are you wearing something made by American Apparel today??
Oct. 2nd, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
er... no... I only own a couple things by those er, bastards...

how bout:
* people who stop suddenly just in front of you while walking, for no apparent reason, without warning, and then glare at you if you bump into them?

* flipped-up collars on polo shirts. More specifically, the guys who wear them that way and also pair it with aviator sunglasses. (douche-baggery)

* mini-vans. something about their stupid shape just pisses me off.

Oct. 2nd, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC)
* flipped-up collars on polo shirts. More specifically, the guys who wear them that way and also pair it with aviator sunglasses. (douche-baggery)

Oct. 2nd, 2008 09:58 pm (UTC)
Oct. 2nd, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
people (mostly women) who leave their sunglasses on the top of their heads like a headband when they are inside all day.
Oct. 2nd, 2008 10:30 pm (UTC)
Just all day? Or does it bug you at any time? I am sometimes guilty of this.
Oct. 2nd, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
all day, and i've seen it in the evening. they don't even pull the sunglasses down when they are outside and it's sunny. AND the girls who are all done up nicely and use them as a hair accessory! ARG!!!!!
Oct. 2nd, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
Ok, yeah, that's bad. Like people with bluetooth headsets!
Oct. 2nd, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
I was 10 or so and always wanted to tag along when my stepdad drove over to the feed store in Lorane. This was a real live country mercantile that had groceries and ranch supplies and about the coolest coke machine out front that sold grape Nesbitt's along with Coca Cola. My stepdad always got a Royal Crown and a pack of peanuts, which he would then pour into the RC bottle. (Don't knock it till you try it!)

The front counter was lined with jars of beef jerkey, Slim Jims, pickled eggs and at the very end was a huge glass jar with a wooden top full of... giant dill pickles. The best pickles in the world and it was a huge treat to reach in there with the tongs and fish one out. Mrs. Mitchell would wrap it in waxed paper for me and I loved it. Dill pickles make me think of hot, August afternoons riding home from the store in the back of the old red pickup truck with the farm dogs, Sam and Teddy, sitting on bags of chicken feed and rolled oats.

My mom once had a house with an acacia tree by the kitchen window. It was full of hummingbirds and goldfinches. Beautiful birds.
Oct. 2nd, 2008 10:49 pm (UTC)
well you can dress up in your American Apparel and go hang out with some DJ's then.
Oct. 2nd, 2008 11:06 pm (UTC)
Ha! I might, just to spite your negative self. Except... Why is "DJ" even a real job? Isn't a DJ what a place has when they can't book a decent band? And I don't own anything by American Apparel. I have no opinion on their products, either way.
Oct. 2nd, 2008 11:07 pm (UTC)
By the way, it's not pickles I object to - it's pickle SELLERS.
Oct. 2nd, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC)
Grouchy old man.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 2nd, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Open-mouth breathers....Blech!!! >:-(
Yep, that's cranky and irrational. Perfect!
Oct. 3rd, 2008 12:48 am (UTC)
Chickens, pumpkins, watermelons, AmeriDebt, springs (as in coiled wire; I have no hatred for water holes), "Our Town," Final Fantasy XII, seaweed....
Oct. 3rd, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
you hate springs?
I want to hear that story.
Oct. 3rd, 2008 03:20 am (UTC)

~Seriously. Ugliest piece of fashionwear in the recent decade. Girls wear them at the most inappropriate of places and most inappropriate of weather.

John Cage.

~I understand the idea "that all sound is music and is therefore art" but to have a "piano piece" that involves you sitting in front of the piano, not touching it for 18 minutes and just recording the sound of the audience is fucking pretentious.

Consumer Loyalty Cards.

~Without one, supermarkets are allowed to be assholes and charge you $4.00 for a can of Coke.


~You can never justify to me $189.00 for a PLAIN WHITE TEE-SHIRT. (No shit, I SAW this TODAY when casually shopping).

Oct. 3rd, 2008 04:38 am (UTC)
Wow, I agree with all of those.
Oct. 3rd, 2008 05:07 am (UTC)
Methinks, thou sufferest from a case of pickle envy.

Just sayin'.
Oct. 3rd, 2008 05:29 am (UTC)
So you're saying you bathe your junk in brine?
Oct. 3rd, 2008 12:40 pm (UTC)
Not a nice thing to say about his lovers. :P
Oct. 3rd, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
People who turn off the microwave before the time has run out and they leave the extra seconds on the screen instead of clearing it back to the clock.

The popped collars annoy me to no end, too.
Oct. 3rd, 2008 05:19 pm (UTC)
I actually have a rational and personal reason to hate the popped collars. But your microwave example reminds me how much I hate people who take the last cup of coffee and don't brew more.
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )


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