Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two
aghrivaine

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Iowa Caucus, and beyond

I predicted that Huckabee would win, weeks ago. I'll tell you how I came to this conclusion. (and by the way, I think he'll win the nomination and the general election, too, for the same reasons.)

Picture yourself in a different condition than you currently are.If you're reading this, you're probably vaguely-to-distinctly liberal, and on one of the coasts. There are exceptions, of course, but I'm sure I annoy conservatives as much as they annoy me, so chances are good only a few of you are both right-wing and a good enough friend to bother with my nattering.

So imagine that you're this guy: you live somewhere in the Mid-West, in a small town where most of the residents make a living in either agriculture or industry. The biggest landmark is the Wal-Mart, and if it weren't for the goddamn teenagers hanging out there on the weekends, it would be a pretty nice place. You are barely educated and almost illiterate, scraping through a public eductation that you didn't want and don't appreciate. Since you graduated High School you haven't read a book, unless it was an auto manual or car-parts catalog. By the way, you did graduate, because your Old Man would have beat the crap out of you if you hadn't, particularly when he got liquored up and ornery. You've learned more at church than you did at school, and that's for the best: goddamn liberals are the ones in charge of the goddamn federal eductation bull-shit, and they're trying to cram atheism and that passel of lies about evolution down the throats of your kids. You have kids, by the way. Your preacher tells you that Jesus wants you to help the poor, which you'd be only too happy to do - except the goddamn taxes are taking so much of YOUR money that you can't afford anything beyond car payments, clothes for the kids and some beer money. And anyway, the government is just taking your money and giving it to black people, who you at best ignore and in your heart-of-hearts, look down on and hate. You actively disliked anyone who isn't a white, christian heterosexual male from your hometown. You resent those goddamn liberal Jews in New York and fags in San Francisco, who are trying to put their homo-lovin' ways on TV so your kids will turn out gay, too. And by the way - both coasts consist solely of New York and San Francisco - though the West Coast has a little blip where Hollywood is, which is where elitist jew-and-homo-loving liberals turn out filthy movies to poison the minds of your kids. New York is New Gomorrah, San Francisco is New Sodom, and Hollywood is New Babylon. Jesus gonna come with a mighty swift sword and set them to rights - just after he takes care of all those dusky people in the Middle East who hate America because we're free. Of course the liberals just want to roll over and let them dusky people take over, so soon we'll all be praying towards Mecca if we don't stop 'em. Gotta get us a strong fella in office who's right with Jesus, is willing to torture the fuck out of them dusky people afore they do it to us first, and who's gonna stop taking money out of your pocket and giving it to poor black people, who deserve whatever poverty they live in because they're lazy.

So you're that guy. Got it?

Now, who are you going to vote for? Giuliani is okay, but he dresses like a woman sometimes, is from New York, and is an abortionist. Mitt Romney - he's from New York (remember, the entire East Coast is New York) and is Mormon, and what the heck are they? McCain? Eh, he's lost his edge. But Huckabee... well, now, there's a fella! He used to be a preacher, he's all for as much force as possible against anyone dark-skinned, and he's defintely on Jesus' side when it comes to evolution and abortion. Yep, definitely Huckabee.

And that's why Huckabee is going to win. The last two elections have proved that without the South and the Mid-West, democrats can't win. Their strategy so far has been to become so conservative that maybe, just maybe, someone from Arkansas will actually vote for them - but all that's done is swing the discourse rightward and lose elections anyway. Without cracking the South or the Mid-West, the democrats will lose -and a black guy or a woman will not win an election in the South or the Mid-West for a long, long time to come.

Congratulations, President Huckabee.
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