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Open Letter to Bicycle Thief

Dear Thief Who Stole My Bike;

A pox upon you! Damn your eyes! There I was on an otherwise lovely Friday, with all the promises of a fine day that Springtime in Los Angeles can offer - and whilst watering my plants, I noticed that you'd stolen my bike in the night. It wasn't a fancy bike, and it wasn't worth much - just exactly so you wouldn't steal it! I locked it up with a sturdy lock and affixed it firmly to my balcony. And yet, you cad, you poltroon, you made off with my bike!

May it be that, as you rode it off, you were soundly run down by a large truck. Thief! Blackguard!

D. V. Krieger
Ex Bike-owner


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 1st, 2007 05:44 pm (UTC)
I gave a bbq to some friends, who had it sitting in the driveway of their house, up near their gate. Someone stole it while they were out. I can't believe people.

sorry about your bike. I felt that way when my 1970 VW bug was stolen.
Jun. 1st, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
I'd say a car is a damn sight more disturbing to have stolen than a bike. Oh well, I guess I'll have to get a new one.

(bike, not VW bug.)
Jun. 1st, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC)
It was the gypsies.
Jun. 1st, 2007 06:14 pm (UTC)
FUCK. You're totally right.

Goddamn gypsies!!
Jun. 1st, 2007 06:36 pm (UTC)
Sometimes people just really suck. Sorry about your bike. I hope the seat breaks in half under the thief's butt. Or the chain comes off and it pinches their finger really hard when they try to fix it! *nods*
Jun. 1st, 2007 06:52 pm (UTC)
Time for some serious Sumerian curses.

Woe upon the bike-thief! Woe upon the bike-thief! May he be deprived of his strength, so that he cannot lift his backpack! May he, who used to eat fine foods, lie hungry... may he eat the coating on his roof, may he chew upon the hinges of his father's house! May depression descend upon his joyous house! May the evils of the desert, the silent place, howl for him continuously!
Jun. 1st, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC)
Man. that's a heck of a curse.
Jun. 1st, 2007 06:59 pm (UTC)
on the one hand, people suck sometimes.

on the other hand, there's a wonderful Charles de Lint story about bicycles disappearing, and this not-quite-right kid who hears streetlights whispering to him to free them (the light itself, actually) so he throws rocks at the glass to free the light. and he's been helping a gang to steal the bikes b/c he thinks he's freeing them. there's this wonderful image of the bikes rolling along in a wild pack along the damp streets, sending up a spray of mist with their tires...

one can only hope that your bike was freed to live out its days in the wild urban streets, chasing cars and weaving along the sidewalk, zooming past pedestrians for the joy of it.

(also, i could be completely full of shit, but hey. i thought it might cheer you up a bit.)
Jun. 1st, 2007 07:11 pm (UTC)
If this is the case, people should be very alarmed. That bike, now roaming free, apparently has teeth capable of chewing through case-hardened steel.

Look out!
Jun. 1st, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
That could be useful, if contained.
Jun. 1st, 2007 08:36 pm (UTC)

Yes! He does have what you need (or want, which amounts to the same thing)!

Jun. 1st, 2007 11:48 pm (UTC)
Awesome! And close by, too.
Jun. 5th, 2007 06:13 pm (UTC)
Ideally, your bike was appropriated during some sort of epic midnight chase scene played out between mysterious forces, waged in an eternal, secret war.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )


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