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I want to go home

Last night, I was half awake in that cozy drifting-off state, and vaguely registered Grandma and Grandpa walking around upstairs. I couldn't wait to go sledding tomorrow, in the fresh snow.

Wait. Grandma and Grandpa have been dead for years. The house is not in the family anymore - I'm in a studio by the beach in Venice. There's no snow here. As I woke up it sunk in - it was my upstairs neighbor (the web-wonk for KCRW) walking around. There is no home, no snow - and never will be again. For just that fleeting second I had felt safe, secure - cared for... home. I hadn't felt it in years and years. It had been so long I'd forgotten the feeling. Losing it so quickly, feeling it evaporate like fog at dawn... christ it was wrenching. I profoundly wanted to be home again - home in the little red house halfway up the hill, at the base of the big stand of friendly woods. Home with my Mom there, and Grandma and Grandpa puttering around after I'd gone to bed, and my sisters asleep in the other room. Home where there were sleds leaning against the wall on the back porch, waiting for new snow. Home with grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell's tomato soup on a schoolday. Home with Mom's snickerdoodle cookies, and Ruby the cat, and Pooh the dog. Just home. Home.

I almost wish I hadn't remembered what it felt like to be home. Losing it so quickly cut deep.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 7th, 2007 12:16 am (UTC)
Feb. 7th, 2007 12:37 am (UTC)
I had a recurring dream like this when I was a teenager, except that it was about the feeling of being home and secure and cared for in way that I wasn't at the time. But it told me that that feeling existed and that I should seek it out. It took until I was 33, but I found it for real. I hope you can get it again.
Feb. 7th, 2007 01:34 am (UTC)
I often miss being a child again, but I don't really know that it's like to be unable to return to WHERE I was a child.

I hope that this year is one in which you can start making a newer safe home for yourself.
Feb. 7th, 2007 02:40 am (UTC)
You will get that feeling back again one day. It will not be exactly the same but it will be there. "Home" is where the heart is, you will see.
Feb. 7th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
That must have been a hard moment. I hope you make your own "home" someday; it won't be the same, but maybe it will be similar enough to evoke the same kinds of feelings.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


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