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How to...

I have a tip.

If you ever want to rip a non-stop series of gigantic, volatile, noisome farts - get yourself some sugar-free cookies made with sucralose. Like maybe you're about to hop in the car with a few buddies for a long road-trip, and you want to smoke them out for that pantsing incident in high-school that you never forgave them for? This is perfect - there's something about sucralose that will turn even the most iron of stomachs into a veritable Hindenberg.

And I'm not talking about little subtle butt-burps either. These are vast, magnificent trumpetings of a foul and reeksome gas that would make a doughty man pale. Like unto a tuba that emits mustard-gas, you will be a plague unto all with your newfound powers of flatulence. Your mighty wind will knock even the stoutest oak down - parrticularly in an enclosed space like a car or cubicle. I can think of countless scenarios where being able to summon up gale-force hurricanes of floomf would be fun for the whole family.

So, dear friends - I give you this gift. A simple how-to about flatulene-at-will.

(warning: effects persist for quite some time)


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 13th, 2006 07:10 pm (UTC)
*falls down laughing*
Nov. 13th, 2006 10:05 pm (UTC)
If you show up at my place on Turs-dee with an armload of sucralose-laden cookies, you can expect a pre-emptive cock punch in return.

Nov. 13th, 2006 10:18 pm (UTC)
Would it really be pre-emptive? Or just retributive? :)
Nov. 14th, 2006 03:04 am (UTC)
It depends if the force of my blow can drive the funk from the room... it remains to be seen :)

Nov. 13th, 2006 10:22 pm (UTC)
Then I guess you will be trying out for Mystery Men should they ever make a sequel?
Nov. 14th, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)
thanks for the warning advice (not to mention the giggles). i find that indian fude often works that way as well, but not so much if you're accustomed to eating it.

...which reminds me, i should totally make some shahi paneer soon. mmm!
Nov. 14th, 2006 01:54 am (UTC)
Um... yeah.

I'm in LA until tomorrow night. I WAS going to see if you wanted to go get a drink, but perhaps now, I shall reconsider.

Nov. 14th, 2006 05:03 am (UTC)
Well I should be clear by socially and anally by tomorrow!
Nov. 14th, 2006 06:30 am (UTC)
Daaaaaamn. I have cleared a few rooms in my time, but the cookies promise the Ass-Blast of the Ages. And the world curses your name.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


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