Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

Too big a playah for MTV

I had reservations - some reality shows are just entertainment - a show like "The Great Race" doesn't depend on humiliating its contestants for thrills and laughs. Others are not so kind - and I didn't want to be on one of those "surrender your dignity in exchange for your fifteen minutes" deals. Still, it was worth going to talk to them.

MTV's offices are just a couple of blocks away, so I walked down at the appointed hour. There was an outdoor picnic area that presumably MTV employees use to eat lunch. There were two different reality shows casting, though - the other one was "Next" which is apparently some sort of dating show - and it involved a gaggle of giggling teens, in this case. I also saw a couple of uncomfortable looking dorks sitting off alone.

Aha. My tribe.

So I sat down and started chatting. When the producer came out and found us yakking away he said, "Do you guys know each other?" So yeah, so much for me being shy. I can't even pretend. We had to fill out a form that asked all sorts of questions - some typical and some ridiculous.

Do you have any unique skills or talents?
"I know a lot about pirates."

Has anything strange or unusual happened to you?
"I fell of a mountain. I was bitten by a venomous snake. Really lots of stuff, no room here for details."

On the back I was told to draw a picture of "me and my dream girl on a perfect first date, be creative." I drew myself and a stick-figure with glasses in a sailboat surrounded by dolphins, hoisting the jolly roger. Labels on the drawing said, "Dolphin", "Sunset", "Sailboat", "IQ 120+" (the girl), "Me", "Piracy imminent" (the jolly roger). There were other, sort of stupid questions - like a picture of a baseball diamond, and instructions to mark an "X" on the farthest I'd gone. Sadly, there was no place for a grand-slam.

Then we were asked to wait in a hallway. I kept chattering with my fellow would-be contestants while we waited. One awkward young lad was in the studio for quite a while, and we even heard dance music, followed by applause. The next guy in line, a home-theatre installer from Orange County, was only in there for a few minutes before leaving. Hmm.

When they called me in, I was introduced to the various people in the room. ; two men and two women, all very attractive. They awkwardly fitted me with a portable mic, which nearly slap-stick comedy when it kept slipping through my shirt and I had to fish it out. I hope the camera wasn't rolling. anyway, I was seated on a chair in front of a wall, and they started firing questions at me. I felt uncomfortably like Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" - though I daresay crossing and recrossing my legs didn't have quite the same effect. I fielded their questions as best I could - some of which were uncomfortably personal. "How many people have you had sex with?" Good lord, I don't know. "Are you good in bed?" Everyone always tells anyone they've just had sex with that they're the best, so who can say? Pretty often, though, ex-girlfriends want to be "friends with benefits" so that tells me that the one thing they were getting out of the relationship that they valued was... well... "Who shows up at your live-action roleplaying game, what kind of people?" Oh, we get all kinds of people - geeks, dweebs, nerds, dorks, spazzes - it's a big tribe. Room for everyone! "Have you ever dated a nerd girl?" Yeah, but there are few of them, and they are a valuable commodity. I'm willing to go outside the tribe.

After a solid 20 minutes of this, they told me, and I quote, "You're way too much of a playah for us." So yes, MTV tells me that I'm too big a playah for one of their dating shows. On the other hand, they offered to put me on the show anyway as a coach in talking to girls - particularly if any of the folks that I know end up on the show. So there are you are, kids - if you're clumsy witht he ladies (or guys if you're gay) and you want to pick up some skillz as well as do some exotic stuff (they said it would be a 'once-in-a-lifetime experience') on TV - I'll gladly put you in touch with these folks. They were actually nice folks, and I have a feeling it's not one of those humiliation shows. But who knows?

In the mean time, I'm an MTV Certified playah. (They even offered to put it in writing.)

P.S. : I totally asked out one of the hot producer-ladies.

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