Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

To: Peter Jackson From: the uruk-hai

Dear Mr. Jackson;

We're greatful to you, we really are. Two movies you've made, starring us as bestial monsters with an appetiate for human flesh (or sacrifice). In "Lord of the Rings" you showed us at war, and we really liked it, especially the stomping-our-spears-in-the-rain part. Man, that was cool.

And in Kong, you showed us at home, chilling with the wife and kids and clubbing all the non-blondes in the head. We sure do love a head-clubbing, that's good times, right there. So yeah, we're really grateful.

But listen, later on in Kong, you committed an act of arrant species-ism. There on Broadway, when you finally could have shown us performing the elaborate production numbers for which we are rightly famous - you chose instead to use human actors in poorly applied uruk-face. I suppose it was "period appropriate" and all that ... but honestly, do you have to be that scrupulous. We've got some serious soft-shoe Uruk around here who are just itching for a shot at stardom.

And Kong himself! Really, why cast some CGI animated creature when you could have had a living, breathing Uruk (transformed by movie magic into a gigantic Uruk, of course!) to be the star of your show. Think about it....

We look forward to working with you on future products. We understand you're making a cinema adaptation of "What's Happening?" - and we think Raj and Rerun should be played by Uruk actors.

Thanks man,
The Uruk-Hai

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