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The War On Christmas

With growing consternation, I have been reading about the liberal and secular War on Christmas. Luminaries such as Bill O'Reilly have alerted us to this growing threat:

"it's all part of the secular progressive agenda ... to get Christianity and spirituality and Judaism out of the public square...[B]ecause if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious-based, usually."

Now, I take this growing threat very seriously. If there's a War on Christmas going on out there that will result in secular, progressive programs, I feel I really ought to be doing my part. With a growing sense of dread, I did more research, and found the book, "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought" (Sentinel, Oct. 2005) Gibson's book details the growing and diabolical effort to put an end to Christmas ... a growing effort that I personally was doing nothing to perpetuate, I might add.

Further illumination came when Gibson and O'Reilly engaged in some fair and balanced discussion of the perfidious War on Christmas; "And what I've noticed is the way this appears in schools, for instance, is we now don't call it the Christmas break. It's the winter break, as if people worship winter." Of course, if people are actually worshipping Winter, then that's hardly secular, is it? But I digress - the point is, worshipping Winter and stamping out Christmas will result in secular (or, evidently, pagan) progressive programs. Personally, I'm all about the progressive - if it's secular, pagan, Christian, Islamic, whatever ... I don't care. Give me the progressive - but if we have to stamp out Christmas to do it, then hand me my stomping boots, boy!

My anti-religious Christian-oppressing brethren at the United Nations are off to a good start - they've convinced the White House to omit any mention of Christmas in their Christmas cards - instead they only express "best wishes for a holiday season of hope and happiness". A Holiday season of what, I wonder? No doubt the worship of Winter itself!

But, my friends - we are in the trenches here, and we can do more. If we want to see a world in which anyone who loves each other can get married, in which people have access to birth control and family planning regardless of income, in which taxation does not favor the wealthiest 1%, and when bellicose and spurious war are not the first resort - then we must engage in a bellicose and spurious war. On Christmas.

I for one, am doing my part. I noticed a church at the end of the street, curiously not yet condemned for demolition - that had a gaudy and shamelessly public display involving the Baby Jesus and some animals and other lookers-on. This strictly verboten creche had to go. I notified our friendly Blue Helmeted UN occupation troops. They immediately tore the nativity scene down, and replaced it with a drive-up abortion clinic.

Out on Ventura Blvd, I noticed a large and prominent Christmas tree. A few calls to the ACLU, and this morning they tore it down, and put up a "Monument to Diversity". The banners at the galleria pronouncing "Merry Christmas" now say "Merry Christmas Winter. Worship the Winter, and perhaps it will spare you!"

I hope that you will all do your part to win this War on Christmas. Next, we will have to wage a war on the colors red and green, or I fear hidden symbolism will still filter in schools and courthouses. Also, if you see people worshipping privately in their own homes, remember that according to the president, you do not need a warrant or any legal authority to spy on them. So you can report them to the UN with a good conscience! The war on drugs and the war on terror are irritatingly vague. Which drugs? Is terror a feeling, or a tactic? How will we win that war? But the War on Christmas is satisfyingly specific - once the worship of this holiday is thoroughly stamped out (which Oliver Cromwell would surely approve of, since he banned Christmas. And then the Quakers and Puritans who fled his authoritarian rule to come to America followed suit, and also banned Christmas ... ), we can move on to other progressive and secular programs. Free of the yoke of religion (because without Christmas all religion will die out, naturally...) we will create a world that is horrifyingly, terribly, awfully equal and just.

Now get out there and opress some Christians!

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
elanya
Dec. 22nd, 2005 07:01 pm (UTC)
We should start making 'Winter is Coming!' cards!
harmfulguy
Dec. 22nd, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC)
Humbugista, my revolutionary brethren!
harmonymuse
Dec. 22nd, 2005 07:53 pm (UTC)
LOL
I love the way you wrote this. You have a flair for writing.
chadu
Dec. 22nd, 2005 07:57 pm (UTC)
immediately tore the nativity scene down, and replaced it with a drive-up abortion clinic.

Now, is this one of them drive-ups with the Aborto Hops on rollerskates, or one of them newfangled "drive-thru" lanes?

I mean, in the new ones, you don't even have to turn off your engine!

CU
aghrivaine
Dec. 22nd, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC)
It all depends on whether you have bucket seats or not, and how fully they recline.
nephandi
Dec. 23rd, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)
Who knew so many good things would come of it? Time to enact laws forbidding the unnecessary killing of pine trees! A class action lawsuit against egg nog manufacturers for making America fat! Try Santa in absentia for mass trespass and corrupting the youth! Institute a mandatory 'Santa is mommy and daddy' curriculum in all public schools! Die, Christmas, die!

(Up with Kwanzaa!)
aghrivaine
Dec. 23rd, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
Kwanzaa has to go, too. It's not secular enough.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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