Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door

So I've been back to the gym lately. I stick out there like a rather sore thumb - like the Hulk at a nude beach. Like butter at the flour convention. Like ... well, like a nerd in a gym full of porn, movie, and rockstars. (sometimes combinations of all three).

This is okay though. I'm clearly non-threatening, and clearly just there to work out, not hit on the (absurdly) beautiful women there. My favorite machine is the stairmaster. This isn't the kind that has little steps that go up and down, mind you - it's actually got rotating steps like an escalator that keep coming around and around in an eternal loop, a mobius strip of a stairwell. I like it because, for one thing, I end up breathless and sweating fairly quickly, and for another, because if I walk smoothly, I can read a book while I do it. It's not like a treadmill, where you have to run run run (besides, if I wanted to do that, I'd just go outside. It's California, for cryin' out loud.) It's not like a bike, where you can read while you do it, but you don't get much of a work out. It's not like one of those elliptical trainers, where if you make a misstep, you end up slung into low orbit somewhere over Thousand Oaks.

And yet, I can't help but feeling like a hamster in a ball when I'm on that thing. I climb and I climb and I climb, but dammit, there's no food pellet at the top! I and my fellow gym-hamsters are lashed to this wheel, eternally trudging up a staircase that is taking us nowhere, and falls away behind up - we never arrive, we never progress. We just... trudge. I can climb forever, and never reach the sky.

If I were more cynical, I might think it was some kind of metaphor for American consumer culture. But, being less cynical, I just think it's one of the devil's torture devices that will let me read a good book while I make my ass firm and my stomach trim. And hey, if I wear my glasses, I can check out the cute girls while I pretend to read my book...

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