It turns out the gym is owned by basketball superstar, Magic Johnson. When I got there to talk to the friendly, smarmy, and a little too-aggressive sales rep, Casey - he related that because the gym is owned by Magic, they get extra money for equipment and stuff. We were talking over my workout plan ( here it is - A: no twinkies, B: lift heavy things ) when his phone rang.
He said, "Huh, that's weird, it's the Big Room." He picks up the phone. "Yeah boss. Yeah, true... Ok. Ok. Yeah. I'll tell him."
So Casey hangs up and he says, "Magic says you're too buff for this place." I looked at him a little confused I guess, and he said, "No, just kidding, he told me to say that. Anyway, he's up in the Big Room, you should go up and see him."
So I go up the stairs, and there's a gold star on a door that says,"Big Room" - and there's Magic Johnson. He's hanging out at a big bank of camera monitors, and he says, "Yo dog, what's a stud like you doing at this gym. Hey, you know Busta?" and he points over to Busta Rhymes, hanging out on the couch. "Yo." says Busta.
"You going to hang here?" Magic says.
"Well yeah, I'm just looking to get back in shape, you know?" I say, confused. A little nervous.
"Chronic." Says Busta Rhymes.
"Get out of here, Player! Get back in shape. Damn. We should hire you for the posters or something." says Magic.
"Chronic." says Busta Rhymes.
So I go down to the gym to work out. A bunch of muscleheads were working the weights and stuff. When I stood around awkwardly waiting to "work in" they all cleared out, staring at their feet, nervous. One of them said in a rushed voice, "Sorry, man. Sorry." as he brushed past. Puzzled, I did my set. I got up to reach for my towel to wipe down the machine, when Lindsay Lohan jumped up, practically tackled Scarlett Johansen, and wiped it down for me. "You're welcome, Davy." she said, fluttering her eyelashes. Sclarlett glared murder at her.
I won't even tell you what happened when I got in the steam room...
Okay, maybe that's not what really happened. Maybe it was more like I was painfully the least fit person in the place, did my workout and slunk out as unobtrusively as possible. Maybe that's more like it. 'Course, I came back this morning and worked out again. It's a little weird going to the Galleria for the gym, and walking past all the Valley Girls (and Valley Bois) hanging out at the mall. Also, in the hot tub after my workout this morning, a very buff young man got in right after me, and contrived to touch my thigh several times. This made me uncomfortable. When one is half-naked in a hot tub with strangers, it's awkward to have to decline covert advances. Secondly - has he no taste? In a gym full of buff people, he picks the marshmallow to do a little underwater thigh-touching? I got out of the tub and sat in the steam room for a while instead.
Anyway. I'm getting back in shape. I'm going to lift heavy things. I'm going to climb ever-ascending sets of stairs. I'm going to pilates classes. I'm going to sit in the steam room. And, apparently, I'm going to get hit on in the hot tub.