Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

Chinese Piracy

I saw this headline:
"China Offers Rewards for Piracy Tips"

And immediately thought I could make myself a tidy sum with tips for Chinese pirates.
    Tip: Choose a ship with a shallow draft and a lateen rig, rather than fore-and-aft.
    Tip: Always attack from windward. Your victim will find it hard to flee, and in the event that she's a customs cutter in disguise, you'll be able to flee into the wind easier.
    Tip: Keep the men happy with rum and democracy. (Sodomy and lash, optional)
    Tip: Use grape or canister at short range, and board 'em in the smoke. This is more likely to demoralize the crew, and less likely to damage the precious cargo.
    Tip: Ships low in the water are either heavy with gold, or with cannons. Not worth the risk!
    Tip: As tempting as it is to take the fancy cloth that you plunder and make super-smoove pirate digs, that stuff is worth money. Cultivate a dashing scruffiness.
    Tip: Don't worry about the ninjas, they're punks in pajamas.
    Tip: Keep your cutlass sharp and your pistol loaded. Carry a spare.
    Tip: Monkeys are better than parrots. Parrots will do things like squawk at a tense moment and give you away, or blurt out where the gold is buried. Monkeys don't do that. Plus you can dress them up like Napoleon for laughs.
    Tip: Avoid scurvy, it's not as cool as it sounds.
    Tip: Keep your slow match smouldering over tubs of water, in the event a spark should fall.

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