"China Offers Rewards for Piracy Tips"
And immediately thought I could make myself a tidy sum with tips for Chinese pirates.
- Tip: Choose a ship with a shallow draft and a lateen rig, rather than fore-and-aft.
Tip: Always attack from windward. Your victim will find it hard to flee, and in the event that she's a customs cutter in disguise, you'll be able to flee into the wind easier.
Tip: Keep the men happy with rum and democracy. (Sodomy and lash, optional)
Tip: Use grape or canister at short range, and board 'em in the smoke. This is more likely to demoralize the crew, and less likely to damage the precious cargo.
Tip: Ships low in the water are either heavy with gold, or with cannons. Not worth the risk!
Tip: As tempting as it is to take the fancy cloth that you plunder and make super-smoove pirate digs, that stuff is worth money. Cultivate a dashing scruffiness.
Tip: Don't worry about the ninjas, they're punks in pajamas.
Tip: Keep your cutlass sharp and your pistol loaded. Carry a spare.
Tip: Monkeys are better than parrots. Parrots will do things like squawk at a tense moment and give you away, or blurt out where the gold is buried. Monkeys don't do that. Plus you can dress them up like Napoleon for laughs.
Tip: Avoid scurvy, it's not as cool as it sounds.
Tip: Keep your slow match smouldering over tubs of water, in the event a spark should fall.
