Yesterday I broke out The Suit and drove into Glendale to get situated at a temp agency. When I walked in, countless office drones were all "officing" at top speed, all with a vacant, soulless luster to their eyes. It reminded me an awful lot of the "Happy Times Employment Agency" in "Dead Like Me". Which, if the analogy were to go further, would make me undead, so I decided it wasn't such a good analogy after all.
Part of the process of registering as a temp was taking a battery of tests on a PC that measured my competence with a whole host of office-related products. Not the high flown worlds of Solaris, sendmail, EMC, SIMS, or any of the other high-octane grab-you-by-your-nerd-balls applications I've been wielding like a +2 Axe of Computer Awesomeness for the past ten years. Now, we're talking outlook, word, excel, etc. The test was cleverly engineered to make me feel like I had failed utterly - if I clicked on the wrong heading to scroll down, it instantly registered as "incorrect". In other words, if you meant to click "File - save as" and instead clicked on "Edit" and just meant to scroll over... too late! Incorrect!
Imagine my surprise when the woman who accepted my test results and had my sit at the side of her desk (thus rendering me a grade school student, again - which might be the bees knees for many of you, but for me was a time of social ostracisation, mortal terror, isolation and dorky preoccupation with various fantasy worlds where smart kids were cherished. But I digress, perhaps embarassingly...) she informed me that my test results were "100%, across the board!"
I suspect that their idea of 100% must somehow differ from my own. Like, I think "100%" must mean "everything completely correct" which clearly I was not. But maybe their metric for success is something more like, "100% certifiably not braindead or a zombie." Which I clearly am, and didn't need a test to prove that.
So anyway, now I just have to wait for the super-sexy temp assignments to roll in. I hope I get called to be like... Natalie Portman's personal assistant for a day or something. I mean, that's the kind of assignments they have at a temp place in Hollywood, right? Or maybe I'll get to be Ian McKellan's limo driver, or .... who knows! But it's sure to be glamorous!