Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

Open Letter to Tastykake Bakery

Dear Tastykake;

First, let me establish my bona fides. When I was in basic training in the U.S. Army, our drill sergeants told us that after we took our final physical fitness test, we would be allowed to send home for a "care package". The only thing I requested from home was a box of butterscotch TastyKake Krimpets. "What's a krimpet?" all my fellow soldiers asked. "Delicious!" says I. Nothing could have tasted tastier than a tasty kake then, I tell you!

Also, my friends and I used to regularly get the Butterscotch Krimpet Kake. We loved it as it was - but in particular we would pour some rum into a shallow plate or bowl, and put a healthy slice of that delicious cake on top of it. The kake would soak up the rum. We felt this was a sort of quasi-mystical transmutation, where it became not just a krimpet kake - but indeed, a pirate krimpet kake.

Imagine our dismay when we could no longer acquire Butterscotch Krimpet Kake with which to make Pirate Kake! We were like... pirates, without kake. (Trust me when I say that pirates without kake are unhappy pirates indeed!)

I hope, therefore, that you'll bring back the Butterscotch Krimpet Kake... and perhaps you would consider a variant that had rum flavoring, sort of like tiramisu. Only -- you could call it "Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Pirate Cake!". People like pirates!

Your box could feature a self-satisfied looking pirate, with a happy smile on his face, brandishing a cutlass in one hand, and a slice of Pirate Kake in the other. Also, the pirate should have a monkey with him. People like monkeys. You should probably avoid having a bottle of rum on the logo - because while rum is very delicious and certainly makes a pirates life more bearable - many people have a negative association with rum and alcoholism. Just a thought.

I hope that you will seriously consider my suggestion. Or at least tell me where I can get some more Krimpet Kake to make my own Pirate Kake with!

David Krieger
Sgt, U.S. Army (ret)

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