Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two (aghrivaine) wrote,
Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash: Pick Two

An Open Letter to the Philadelphia Zoo

Dear Philadelphia Zoo;

I am a citizen of the Philadelphia area. I was born in University City, and have lived in the Philadelphia area most of my life. My grandmother, Miriam Krieger, was a lifelong supporter of the Philadelphia Zoological Gardens, and I have been a patron of your fine zoo throughout my life. I am frequently in the vicinity of the zoo, particularly along Kelly Drive, which is a wonderful public resource that many Philadelphians avail themselves of, especially in this fine weather we are having, and which I hope you are all enjoying very much. Whenever I am in the area, I can't help but notice the gigantic lighter-than-air balloon that hunkers over the Philadelphia landscape.

I see from your website that the Channel 6 Zooballoon rises to a height of 400 feet. I am not an expert in trigonometry, but it seems to me that due to the curvature of the earth, this means that your Zooballoon can be seen from a very great distance indeed. If I were smart, as opposed to just opinionated, I would probably work out exactly how far that would be... but suffice to say, I believe that an awful lot of people can see that balloon.

This is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. However, it is rendered into an eyesore, a plague upon the city - a looming, glowering atrocity - by the singular lack of a monkey on the Zooballoon. It is well known that the monkeys and other primates are one of the biggest draws to the Zoo. Further, monkeys are funny. I can prove this scientifically, if you will indulge me for a moment: picture in your mind something very sad and heart-breaking. Now picture monkeys doing that. See? You probably laughed out loud. (Unless, in the first place, you thought of sad monkeys, in which case the experiment is basically invalid. Try it with a coworker who *won't* think of sad monkeys though, and you'll see what I mean.) Monkeys are funny though, that is undeniable. People love monkeys. Do they love giraffes? Are giraffes funny? Do we have whimsical expressions like "giraffeshines"? We do not - and for a good reason. Giraffes are very boring.

You, having inflicted this Zooballoon on the Philadelphia skyline, owe it to the city... nay - to humanity! For surely, many people of all nations come to our fair city ... To put a monkey on the Zooballoon. This will make the Zooballoon much more attractive, amusing, and pleasing than it currently is. It will also draw more and more visitors to your zoological gardens; because they will see the gigantic floating monkey and they will think to themselves (if they are speakers of English) "Look, a monkey! Monkeys sure are funny! I would like to go see some monkeys!". Having that thought, they will have but one place they can go to see a monkey. No one ever thinks, "Look, a giraffe! I would like to go see a giraffe." The giraffe must go, or at the very least, be joined by a bigger and more prominent monkey.

I look forward to the day when I can go for a bike ride along Kelly Drive, and look up to see a gigantic monkey, floating over my city. That will be a very happy day indeed.

Until then, I am your servant etc:
David Krieger

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