August 26th, 2016

monkey pirate

The Harrowing

I've let myself go, and lost my way, the past few years. I used having to take care of my daughter as an excuse for not taking care of myself. And, having not taken care of myself, I didn't have as much to give to and for love.

Loss and pain point the way to the truth of how far I've gone down. It's only now I feel as low as I have actually become.

But not for long. I have certainly experienced heartbreak in the past, and in the past I've wallowed for a long time in self-pity and paralysis. Not this time. Between being older, and knowing myself better and also having a daughter who I have to be present for, to be strong for, to be a good example for; I have not let myself wallow.

I've ruthlessly flogged myself out the door to exercise again and again. I've drastically curtailed my eating; from outright fasting for five days, to one small meal a day of small portions and strictly healthy foods. No alcohol, no sweets; nothing but heroic amounts of water and one small cup of coffee in the morning.

And I see myself on the other end of the harrowing. I'm not there yet, not by a long chalk, but I am certainly on the way. I've lost 20 pounds and am at the lowest weight I've been since before Eowyn was born. I can run longer and faster already, and doing so clears my head and gives me a sense of clairty; whirling thoughts tame down and become ordered.

For years, when I got upset, the answer was to eat or drink something to make myself feel better. Now, the answer is - get exercise. Make the body hurt, and watch as clarity follows on the heels of the pain. I've only just begun, by I am starting out very strict and very harsh with myself, so that I'll instill the habits I need to see this through to the end.

And in the end, I will be fitter, sharper, more mentally acute and more disciplined. I will have an open heart. None of these things will necessarily make me happy - but what they will do is oil the hinges on the door to happiness. I intend to open that door.

Harrowed, I will be whole.