April 11th, 2007

pretty monkey

Home for Sunset

Yesterday was day one of "Project: Captain America" - which is physically readying myself. I understand there's a job opening, after all. My ultimate goal - to max an Army PT test by 18 year old standards in time for my 36th Birthday in August. That way I can say I'm literally as fit as a man half my age. Towards that end, I'm hitting the gym every day, much easier now that I'm in the habit of going somewhere after work.

Even after lifting heavy things repeatedly, I made it home before the sun had set last night. This is the first time in months it's happened! The sun was just setting over the Pacific - at this time of the year it's almost over to the Malibu hills, which are NorthWest of the part of the beach I'm on. A mild off-shore breeze had carried in some cloud cover, so the sun itself wasn't visible. The clouds, though, had been transformed into a remarkable pastel palette; all the colors of an Easter basket. The water was absolutely white - with silver crests along it, due to the reflection of the clouds. It's true that the ocean is never the same color twice, but from time to time, I get positively gobsmacked by how variable and strange it can be.

I got a lot done last night - charged up from good exercise. I'm already considerably more fit than I was before the play started - all that dancing counted for something; plus I'd been getting up early and hitting the gym in the mornings fairly often anyway. I cleaned the apartment, did some laundry, and rocked out to Guitar Hero II in between loads. Still, when all the busywork was done, and the wave of energy subsided - I could feel the loneliness like an ache, right down to the last digit of my fingers and toes. Being surrounded by so many folks, and so busy for the past couple of months masked it; I just didn't have time to let it catch up with me. Recent events have served to illuminate ... well, how necessary it is for me to accept this condition, rather than fight it. Still - even amidst all the splendor of the Pacific, the beach, the flowers - the joy of performance, exercise, writing, and time with good friends - even amidst all that... sometimes, I'm just a mammal that wants to huddle close to another mammal, and share body-heat.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely

Dear People

Dear People of the World;
Please do not only talk to me when you want something from me. And no, I'm not talking to any one of you in particular, whatever you might think - because there have been dozens of you for quite some time. I have done my best to be as generous as I can to the people around me - sometimes in excess, probably more often not enough. But don't assume that makes me a door-mat. If the only thing I ever hear from you is a request for favors, services, or some other form of you wanting something from me - even if you make a desultory attempt to first appear concerned with how I am and what I'm up to - there will come a time when your account is overdrawn. If you've made frequent and extensive withdrawals, you might consider making some deposits, too - lest your account be closed entirely.

I am not a walking bundle of services and suport for you. I am a human being with my own needs - the meeting of which I am largely self-sufficient- but moreso, of feelings. I don't want to surround myself with baby-birds with open mouths. Baby birds are cute, I admit. But from time to time, I expect you to be my peer, as well, or I'll push you out of the goddamn nest. Capiche?

Your humble servant;
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky