March 7th, 2007

monkey pirate


I've been watching the second season of Rome, and am nearly as impressed as I was with the first season.

But something just hasn't been ringing true. Romans, right? I mean, basically, they're Italians. Last I checked, Rome was in Italy - but instead of fancy designer shoes, they had sandals. Also, skirts instead of fancy pants. But other than that - Italians.

Now, I'm from Philly. I know from Italians, ok? And history would have gone down a lot differently if the Romans had been from South Philly. That whole organized legions invading Europe thing.. citizen soldiers serving in the frontier wars for 25 years? Not so much - they'd have made it to Saturday night, I think, and then the wheels would have fallen off by Sunday morning when everyone's hung over and headed to confession. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gutted six Celt-Iberians before someone passed around the Bud Light, and I met this chick from the Avantine..."

Also, there would have been a lot more sass in the legions, and probably more union-authorized work stoppages.

Ceasar: "Legionnaires! Today we march fifty miles, and then build our encampment!"
Legionnaire: "Fuck you, pally. Who do you think you are, the fuckin' Emperor? We get a ten minute break every two hours, and you ain't got a work order for an encampment."
Caesar: "Fuck you, too, Brute?"

On the other hand, the general's triumphs seem entirely appropriate. Caesar returning from Gaul to the tune of "Oh 'Dem Golden Slippers" while a bunch of fancy brigades escort in cartloads of slaves and booty seems entirely appropriate. The guy behind him on the chariot reminding him that he's mortal? He's saying, "You fucking mook, I known you since you was a bad idea of your father's. I seen you that time you threw a coupla cheesesteaks down your throat at Pat's after a night out at Egypt* and then tossed 'em right back up. And that Caesar haircut? So 1994."

I guess some things never really change.

* "Egypt" is a club on Delaware Avenue
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