July 6th, 2005


Open Letter to Cold Stone Creamery

Dear Mr. Creamery,

Please understand that I am not myself much of an ice-cream lover. In the galaxy of delicious dessert treats, ice-cream has always held for me a not-too-spectacular pull. Do you ever hear the term "chocolate chip cookie headache"? No sir, you do not. Never the less, there are some ice-creams that I am mad for. (By "mad for", I mean I really like them, rather than causing me, to say - tape a remote-control to my head and stand on the corner shouting about things.)

So, I was pretty much crazy (again, the good kind of crazy) about your cake-batter ice-cream. It was quite a disappointment when it was recalled for health reasons, and I hope that you can address this in a way that will allow various patrons who are overcome with the desire to taste cake and ice-cream together (but not ice-cream cake, because that's different) to satisfy their desire. Though Buddha says that desire is the root of suffering, so maybe your cake-batter ice-cream is actually adding to the suffering in the world.


Anyway, I'm not writing about that. (except for the part that I already wrote, which as you can see, I did write about, but I mean, I'm not writing any *more* about that, or even *principally* about that.) What I am writing to you about is your ice-cream flavor, "Fruity breakfast cereal" which is clearly a thinly veiled euphemism for fruity pebbles.

You see, I have this compulsion to eat blue things. It's true, when I see something that's a bright shade of blue, (and that's actually a food item) I feel compelled to eat them. This used not to be a big deal, other than Blue Sky soda, there wasn't much out there. These days it can be inconvenient, or, as in this case, a taste adventure!

Oh, don't get me wrong, the ice-cream was pretty nasty. Not half-as-good as the afore-mentioned suffering-causing cake-batter ice-cream. No, but the interesting thing is that the following day, it turned my fecal matter a brilliant shade of green - probably about the same color as a green traffic light. Or if you've ever seen a green fire-truck, it was sort of that shade of bright green. This was, although at first shockingly disturbing - also hilarious! I am now going to make a point of always having some of your fruity-breakfast-cereal ice-cream in my freezer, so that I can give it to unsuspecting friends. Then, the next day, I'll ask them all innocent-like, "So what's new with you?" The comedy in this comes from the fact that I will already know they'll have had a very peculiar incident. So when they say, "You'll never believe what happened!" I'll be able to respond with great accuracy, but act as if it were a lucky guess.

Man, that's comedy gold.

So, thank you, Mr. Creamery for your amazing ice-cream and it's comedy-inducing side-effects. Please consider adding to the possible flavors of ice-cream that are bright, bright blue.

Yours etc,
David V. Krieger
(Sgt, U.S. Army ret.)