November 21st, 2004

monkey pirate

Cake Breath

I brush my teeth a lot. I hate having bad breath or a nasty taste in my mouth. (For reasons  that are embarassing for me, and for a vicious, empty-souled woman I once knew - which explains so many of my personal quirks.)  So when it comes to having that good, fresh feeling inside my piehole, I sure do like something that's as stern as a nun's blandishments, as fresh as a Times Square tout, and as wintry as January in Moscow. I want toothpaste that, if found in Faluja, would be evidence of a "chemical weapon program". Remember those Crest guys that used to blast the cavity-meanies in the commercials? If only! But lately, all these crazy flavors have come out for toothpaste. Like, cinnamon spice, and orange blast. I mean, we all know that toothpaste is supposed to taste like mint, spearmint, wintermint, or some derivation of the aforementioned. Also, faintly medicinal, maybe. But minty. Definitely minty. And then I saw "Vanilla Mint" on a box. And it had a scratch 'n sniff sticker on it, which I scratched, and then sniffed. And it smelled more vanilla than mint. And I thought... Vanilla? Toothpaste? Heresy! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I kind of like heresy. Particularly Heresy, by Weyerbacher - but that's a separate matter entirely.

So I tried t. And it tastes just like vanilla frosting on a cake. I brush my teeth, and I think, "I'm brushing my teeth with frosting!" The mintiness is barely noticeable, really. And afterwards, I have the taste of cake in my mouth. And yet, it's good for my teeth. I mean, I could brush all day - brush brush brush - just brush in that delicious vanilla frosting feeling, and I never would get a cavity. My gums would be healthy, my teeth gleaming white, and my breath redolent of delicious cake. Like a birthday, or a wedding, or some other occasion for celebration. Now bedtime is an occasion for celebration. (For more than the obvious pre-existing reasons.)

When I ottered into bed the other night, my girlfriend said, "Cake breath!" But it wasn't like, "Cake breath, eww!" It was like, "Cake breath, yay!!!"

Every day, some pointy-headed scientist makes the world a slightly better place, and in some of the most unexpected ways. Whichever one thought of cake flavored toothpaste, bringing together two things that were anathema to each other in the past in a harmonious and delicious duo - I applaud. I only hope the same scientist can get to work in the Middle East.