October 29th, 2002

monkey pirate


So the funeral is over. That awful week is over.
I still feel wretched - I can tell that some deep and negative feelings are close to the surface, and ready to rise, triggered by the most ridiculous things. I'm not sure what to do, how to proceed. There's a million things I need to do and fix in order to get out from under this tidal wave of entropy - broken plumbing, broken light fixtures, broken washing machine and dryer, no job, out of shape, electricity in kitchen not working, dead broke and close to homeless. But today I just feel like hiding, I think -- curling up and pretending the world outside my door doesn't exist. That's lame and unworthy, I know - but it's grey and dreary outside, and cold.. and it's just been an awful week.

I'm lucky that The Hobbit and Clover were there for me. Particularly her. I was pretty upset, and some misplaced angst occurred, which wasn't fair. I can't apologize enough, I suppose... but I hope she can forgive me, and doesn't give up on me - and knows that at the moment, I'm truly at my worst. It will get better.

It has to get better, right?