?

Log in

It's truly over

Tonight I Can Write (The Saddest Lines)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Regrets

I wish I could go back and do this all over again.

Not really to prevent my own pain, though yes, that would be a happy side effect. But because I realize what I put Her Majesty through, and though she more or less suffered in silence, she suffered long and hard. It dovetailed with the lingering pain of the end of her last relationship, too, which had been forestalled by our reunion.

Weeks after we broke up, she wrote to tell me...well, that's her story and I'm not telling her story here. But it was a clear indicator that she'd been in a great deal of emotional distress for a long time, and it was finally going away. It was about then we started to work on getting back together, too ...

I wish I could spare her that long period of hurting. I am wracked by guilt, though at the time I was oblivious. I was so stuck in my own stress and anxiety, from divorce and separation with a daughter, uncertainty about my living situation, selling my house ... I had blinders on, and I didn't see the damage I was doing to someone whom I love and adore. I wish I could take it back.

Failing that, I wish I had the chance to make up for it with kindness, love and affection.

Failing that, all I can do is lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling in the darkness, and go over it again and again in my mind, wishing somehow I could make things different.

So here I am. Doing that.

One thing I've learned...

One thing I've learned is that you can't put a heart on pause.

It was a terrible mistake when I asked her to do it for me, and it is a terrible mistake that she has asked me to do it for her.

Hearts just don't work like that. 

Pattern

Why do I keep ending up in love with people who don't, or won't love me back?

Homework

My therapist gave me two pieces of homework.

First, a pro-and-con list on Her Majesty. I'm not sure why...regardless of the pros and the cons, I don't really get a vote on our relationship anymore, so. So what difference does it make? Still, I'll do it.

Second, and much more difficult. "What makes Davy happy?"

I realized...I have no idea. I guess the last time I was truly happy was that first week in London. Well, and I suppose in the brief period between when I booked the cruise and the wheels fell off. That was pretty happy too, the future seemed bright. But all that is coming from a love relationship.

What makes me happy? I've forgotten. I've lost my way. How did I not notice that I had no idea what makes me happy, and haven't felt happy in a long, long time? How did that creep up on me like that? This is a difficult bit of homework. I'm not sure how to do it. 

The Test

Today is going to be a test.

I don't have any plans with friends, I'm on my own the whole day. There's no nerdstrong class today, either. I can't spend the day sitting by the computer, waiting for an email that's never going to come. And even if it did, it's very long odds it would change, resolve or improve anything, anyway.

I am going to keep busy. I'm going to work on a few projects to beautify the house. Eowyn has been unhappy here because the house isn't beautiful enough. So I'm going to hang some curtains, plant some more flowers, and maybe put up some decorative stuff in her room.

I have to be able to move on, get over this, get on with my life.

I'll try. 

But does it matter?

One of two thing have happened.

Maybe I hurt her so badly that, just as she's said, she simply moved on. When one relationship hurts, even though it might have a lasting future if you work through it; and one relationship feels good, even though it definitely has no future... it's not mystery. You pull the plug on the one that hurt, and you move on. Odds are strongly in favor that this is what has happened, and I'm just kidding myself because she says we'll be together again someday. (I don't want someday. I want today.)

Or maybe she's hurt, and angry, and purposefully forcing herself to pursue a short-sighted course of action as "punishment." I might hope she'd snap out of it, and she'll realize really, it is us, her and me, that were meant to be. Unfortunately, the last time this happened, out of spite she married the guy she found after me. Ha ha, joke's on me, she had a long and successful marriage and had her son. I guess I got learned a lesson there. I guess I'm due for another lesson, and she's going to have to marry this guy, too, despite his obvious unsuitability. Just to show me.

Or maybe, against all odds, she realizes it's me she wants, not anyone else. And we'll find a way to make that work, despite the devastating blows to both of our pride and self-worth.

I don't think it's very likely. But ... if... If I get that chance? Dear god in heaven and all his angels, and all the mathematiciians and philosophers who deny their existence; oh sweet symphony of the universe, I will NOT fuck that up again.

Sleep Cycle

Go to sleep.
Sleep an hour or so.
Wake up.
Check email. Nope, no miracles.
Go back to sleep eventually.
Sleep an hour or so.
Wake up.
Check email. Nope, no miracles.
Go back to sleep eventually.
Sleep an hour or so.
Wake up.
Check email. Nope, no miracles.
Go back to sleep eventually.
Sleep an hour or so.
Wake up.
Check email. Nope, no miracles.
Go back to sleep eventually.
Well. Might as well get up.

Time Travelers

Right at the height of my nervous breakdown, we shot this:

Intrepid Time Travelers

Suits

I bought two new suits to take with me on our cruise, a lightweight summer suit and a tuxedo.

I dropped them off at the tailor to get them fitted, and sent Her Majesty a message excited about how sharp I was going to look for her. When she didn't read it, or reply, until 1AM, I knew what had happened.

Today I picked up the suits. It didn't feel good.

I wish I could undo the past.